Goes the clock.
Sorry-not-sorry that you had to read that joke twice.
There are many feelings which reside within us, and out of them all – out of every single one – I think I hate boredom the most. Boredom is inherently illogical; it is impossible for there to be nothing to do, because we are blessed to live within a world in which there is everything to possibly do. Really, it’s impossible for boredom to exist – yet it does, and it’s crippling. Boredom does not merely make you feel bored: it makes you feel anxious and sad and lonely and angry, all at once. The worst smoothie ever.
I shouldn’t be bored. I have things to do: I’m gonna be making a music video for a friend in like 2 weeks, and I’ve still gotta plan it all out. I have scripts I want to write, videos I’m making. A few things left to go to. Logically, I should be stuck well in the thick of it. But I’m not! I’m here. Waiting. Watching the clock go by.
I think the period between finishing college and starting university is inherently boring. You can fill it with as many holidays and fun social events as you like, but that doesn’t escape the fact that you are basically nothing for those 3-ish months. For the most part, we’re waiting for our A-Level results. Most of us get the results we need and get into uni (or at least get into uni), merely a confirmation of the plans we’d already made. And then it’s more waiting for move-in day.
We’re not even really students during this period. I am no longer studying at my college, so I’m technically not a student. But I’ll be starting university in a few weeks. But that doesn’t make me a student either, because I’m not studying there yet. We’re just awkwardly sandwiched between two major parts of our lives; we’re in an interstitial, transitional phase. Necessary for moving forward, but not something which anybody actually wants to go through. And Christ, do I really dislike it.
I mean, I’ve always hated August’s. They’re always depressing and dull and I’m always anxious to just jump back into education. It’s why I cannot conceive of taking a gap year. A few friends are, and that’s great for them, but I would just be so absolutely fucking bored. I’d go downhill, hating myself for choosing to do it, and by the end of the year I’d punch myself for wasting a year which I could have spent furthering my life. The thought of taking a gap year honestly makes me feel ill. It’s a big fat fucking NOPE.
Anyway. This August is different, because the education I’m anxious to jump into isn’t a continuation of what is already happening, but rather an entirely new chapter. New place, new city, new home, new friends, new environments, new everything. I will be rebooting. I’m Doctor Who Series 5; more of the same, but entirely different. My life here in Winchester is, effectively, over. I quit my job, I’ve gone on all of the holidays, I got my results, I’ve seen the friends, I did the best man speech, I’ve made the videos. For the sake of my health, I broke up with my girlfriend, perhaps the defining representation of the closing of a chapter. Save for the music video, and filming a wedding, I’m all done. There’s nothing left for me here anymore.
I walk through the streets, and rather than smiling sadly with nostalgia (which I also do quite often), I’m bursting with antsy anticipation. I feel as if I’m just being drawn out, stretched beyond my natural limits for absolutely no purpose whatsoever. I don’t even feel like I belong here; I’m a stranger, a passer-by, trapped here by virtue of circumstance. I want to get out.
I don’t really think I’m one for sticking with the same thing for too long, save for the rare exceptions. I find myself getting bored in relationships easily, or with films and shows, with places, people – you get the idea. I’m someone who always needs to keep moving forward, I feel. Despite the aforementioned penchant for nostalgia – well, more than a penchant. I’m oozing with nostalgia, 24/7. I love reflecting on the past. I attempt to re-live it, and it never ends well. I hate goodbye’s.
To put it bluntly, I’m just a contradictory mess.
I throw this stream of consciousness out there, lambasting my feelings, yet I also have to remind myself that I am entirely in control of my emotions. It’s up to me whether I’m sad about this or not, and whether I push all that away to focus on being productive. I am at the mercy of myself – a thought which has always given me immense comfort. Yet, I don’t think I’m quite at the stage where that can be completely true yet. I must also remind myself that this is necessary. I can’t start university earlier. I can’t move to London earlier. I’ll have nowhere to live!
The typical thing to say would be that, when I do get there, I’ll get homesick, and have trouble adjusting to this new life. But I don’t think that will happen. I really, really feel it. Just as we feel out of place at school in the last few months of Year 11, I don’t belong in Winchester. I’ve exhausted every thing I could possibly do here. I reiterate: there’s nothing left for me here anymore.